|
Dear Agi,
I am a 54 year old woman who has been divorced for ten years. In
retrospect, the divorce was the easy part, but the events post-divorce have
affected me the most. About four years after our divorce was
finalized, my ex-husband informed me that he was gay and had informed our three
children (all teenagers, young adults) about it two years previously. He had
asked them to keep this secret from me. Needless to say, I was devastated. Two of
my children have suffered significant psychological distress, I believe, due to
the above. Two years after this event my ex-husband lost his license and business
due to sexual misconduct with several clients (he is a psychologist.)
I can't seem to be able to move forward and stop blaming myself for
marrying this man knowing he had serious issues and thereby not protecting my
children. I am battling depression, panic attacks and I avoid being
in any social situations. I did have a relationship with a former
college boyfriend that ended. I, too, thought that we would get married and
"live happily ever after." Boy, was I wrong. He dumped me
unceremoniously after telling me that he "was no longer attracted to
me." This has dramatically affected my self-esteem. I
feel unworthy, unlovable and incapable of finding happiness.
I maintain so much anger toward my ex-husband for his actions and I struggle
not to "bad-mouth" him to my children. Two of my
children seem to be doing well; the third has aligned himself with my ex and
rarely speaks to me. I have lost many friends in the past several years because
they wouldn’t "stick with me" throughout all the
drama. This has added to my feelings of failure and loneliness.
Fortunately, I have a wonderful career, which sustains me, but I am unhappy in
most other aspects of my life.
Agi, I would appreciate any insight, suggestions, help that you can
provide!
Sincerely,
Downtrodden
~
Dear Down, but not for the
count;
Yes indeed, it sounds like you have had a very rough experience for
far too long. I am going to try and address everything in chronological order
because I don’t want to miss anything you present. Let’s start with the
post-divorce shocker – gay ex-husband.
Shocked, I could understand, but devastated,
why? What do you care what his sexual preference is post-divorce? You are
both free to live your lives as you see fit and his asking your young adult
children to keep it from you is his prerogative. I get that the first place you
want to go is “our whole marriage was
based on lies!” This is a self-destructive story your ego has concocted in your head, because the reality is, you and your husband had a successful marriage. If you
had not married this particular man
then you would hot have these particular children,
whom you love very much. Everything
would have been different, including your children. For this issue I would like
to see you change your point of view and live in gratitude for the union you
shared with your ex and know that the two of you were meant to be. As far as his discrepancies in his career; again, I
have to ask; Why do you care? This is
no longer your problem, so stop wearing it. Try to show some compassion for the
pain he must have felt all those years trying to be someone he wasn’t. He must
have been in agony constantly concealing his true nature and living like a CIA
agent who had to remain undercover. Let it go and wish him peace.
Regarding your current emotional state of mind; depressed, panic attacks, avoiding social situations, well, I think
those issues reach further back in your life than just to the years in which your
ex-husband entered your world. I hear
you when you talk about the former boyfriend ending it in a crappy way. His
saying he is ‘no longer attracted’ to
you was unkind and unnecessary; however, it could serve you if you are willing
to look deep inside of yourself. What I’m hearing from you is that all your
pain and anger is being triggered from external sources, when in fact, the
cause lies within you. I know this is a real ‘ouch’ to hear, but I have to be straight with you since I only have
this one article to send you. The easy escape from our own pain and suffering
is to place blame anywhere that isn’t near you or your nasty ego – by the way, I’m not calling your ego names,
it’s everyone’s ego. It is such a slippery slope when we try to look
externally for happiness or find blame in others for what we are responsible
for internally. I wish there was a simpler way for you to discard your pain but
the hard facts are, you have to do it yourself. I have ideas for you so hang on… I really want to address your
statement: ‘live happily ever after’
with your fellow who was ignorant. First of all, happily ever after is not a
realistic expectation for anyone. As humans we are never in a constant state of
any one emotion. In fact, we are more prone to bounce all over the emotional
Richter scale. Therefore, placing an expectation into the universe that
something will last forever in a static position is only our ego-centric mind
being foolish! Pure trickery. This
former college boy came back into your life to force you to look inside and ask
important questions; Why am I so angry?
Where does my anger stem from? And so on. Your anger towards your ex-husband or anyone for that matter is a cover
for the fear that is lurking inside of you. Fear of survival, whether it be
emotional or physical can make us react with extremism. What’s really going on
here is your internal child was hurt somewhere along the line by someone she
trusted long ago and she has been living in survival mode ever since. Today is
the day you can help her walk out into the light and let her know that she is safe
at this present moment. She can no longer be hurt by anyone and the two of you
are safe and loved, by each other. You’re
not really angry at your ex you are just stuck in an old story of betrayal, but
it has nothing to do with him. Here is a good exercise for you; start by
writing a letter to your ex-husband. Let him have it! You get fifteen minutes
to spew all the gunk at him that you want, then, in the next fifteen minutes you will
release him and tell him what was between the two of you is now over and he no
longer has a hold on you. Tell him good-bye. Moving forward, everything in his
life is between he and his maker. Don’t send the letter. Keep it.
Listen up, my sweet spirited friend, you need to breathe and release
all the fear that rattles up the anger, which inevitably only hurts you. Your
‘friends’ were all teachers trying to let you know that spewing anger for long
periods of time is toxic to you and those around you. You should never bad-mouth the father of your
children. He is off limits to you and your opinion moving forward. Your only
focus from this day forward should be to heal your internal self and discover
the beautiful sapient being that resides inside of you. Whenever you feel the
trembling of anger rising up into your throat, find a quiet spot, sit down,
close your eyes and take a deep breathe. Then tell yourself that you are safe
and whatever lies your mind is blabbing at you are simply not the truth. The
only failure you speak about in this journey would be if you gave up on
yourself. Move into your future with loving grace towards yourself and those
around you. I promise you the anxiety and anger will dissipate. Love your life,
because your life wants to love you.
Take great care my friend ~
If you have a story to share or a question you
would like addressed regarding your divorce, love life or break-up please
submit here.
|